I finally did what I've been threatening for years of doing. I have rejoined Adrian Empire. I know all the reasons not to go back. But seeing my daughter out there: outside, in garb, helping out as waterbearer and NOT in front of the TV or computer. That is worth the price of admission.
We both needed something in our life, a community of people to belong to. Josh doesn't want to be involved, so be it. But I'm tired of waiting to see if he is in the mood to make an appearance away from his computer. It's already going to kill me that it looks like he doesn't want to go back to hockey, the one thing that got him out of the house once a week and among living persons. The few hours a week that Elisabeth was in bed and he was out of the house. My alone time.
So back to Adria I go. Many of the faces have changed, but enough remain, spread out over different subdivision, that it can still feel like home.
Ironically, I didn't realize until going back, that I left the game with enough points to get my knighting (one of those unfinished business things that is always in the back of one's mind). At first I was excited and was planning in detail how I wanted to be and who I wanted there as part of my knighting party.
But then I was looking at the knightly virtues (and there is much debate about what is considered the 7 knightly virtues). I know this is a game, and a knighting is just for fun, in the end.
Perhaps it's the 11 years I have had this brewing in my mind, but I don't know if I'm worthy of taking this oath of Knighthood.
These are the 7 virtue that I was going to present in my knighting:
I just don't feel like I have lived up to these virtues. Mercy is the one weighing hard on my mind. I think especially with coming back to the game, there is a lot of mercy and forgiveness that needs to occur. I read my own pasts posts and others' past posts and looking back with fresh eyes I can see how much I was at fault, that my inexperience, flaws and insecurities were my downfall each and every time.
I'm realizing that I miss the friends I left behind. I do not have a right to their mercy. Mercy is a gift that one can bestow. It is not something that a person can seek out. I hope I have reached a point that I can give mercy freely, because the old trespasses just don't hold power over me as it used to. No that is not true, it does hold power over me, but that rage /guilt has been turned inward towards myself and not towards anyone else.
But throwing myself figuratively at their feet and begging for forgiveness, is only for my own selfish needs. They have undoubtedly moved on, as I have obviously have not.
In the end I have to be able to bestow mercy on myself. It's the only way to move beyond and start afresh. Perhaps not with these persons, but to find joy in the game, free of old ghosts.
- Back to the beginning...